why can't i remember?

i know i don't remember a lot of things. but i don't remember what i did today. i'm laying on my bed just like i usually do since i lack a desk and i'm trying to remember what i did today.

what did i do yesterday? what did i do last week? i'm trying to remember. there was something about chelsea and robyn. deep conversations. and i remember playing my uke and guitar for a while.

maybe it's because there was no school. or because i got into this routine of just doing things. maybe it's because every day seems like it's worthless.

i remember now.

i had a dream i drove to fairfield and hung out with chelsea and drove my way to robyn's. i wanted to meet with emma's parents to just talk about stuff. but i ended up being lost. i wanted to text emma (even though she didn't have texting) what her address was, but realized later in that "oh yeah" way that she's gone. i got stuck in an alley and asked an old cat lady where emma's house was. she told me to stay for tea, but i had to go. i needed to know how to get to emma's. she gave in and told me how to get there. i got there and i don't remember what happened next. maybe i woke up?

then i remembered that one dream that made a whole lot sense to me about her death. but since i can't remember quite clearly i'll look back at my diary entry of that date:

"11/1/09

I had an Emma Dream. It started out with Emma, Chelsea, Nick Bradley (idk) and I walking in the woods talking about the spirits that make noises at the bottom of a cliff in the woods. We all wanted to make the noises stop. In order to calm the spirits down, Emma was chosen to be a sacrifice. We heard a cry for help on the bottom of the cliff and Em looped the rope around her neck. I was horrified when she told Nick to pull as hard as he could. We all had ropes around our necks. We pulled and Chelsea came up on the other end. I ran over to Emma and told her not to do that again because it scared me. She just smiled and laughed.

We went back into her room and she was preparing for her sacrifice. It was slightly raining. Chelsea asked her if she really wanted to go through with it and once again Em smiled. I hugged her and told her that there was no way that she could do it. I told her how I couldn't imagine my life without her. She smiled and laughed and told me how we were going to room together at NEMC and how it was going to be the best year ever. I told her some memories and she told me hers. She got scissors and cut her fedora into three parts and gave us a part. She was smiling and laughing."

it made so much sense. knowing Emma, she was a very spiritual person and believed in wicca. i'm not too sure about sacrifices, but it sounds to me like she had the power within her to sacrifice something. i'm not saying that she sacrificed herself, but it is a possibility.

maybe i'm over-analyzing my dreams.