Secrets

Secrets.

Everyone has them.

It's just a shame that we feel the need to not share information that could potentially save our lives. I want to share a secret with you:

I love this website: http://www.sixbillionsecrets.com/

that, and the nightmares haven't gone away yet. I dont know how long i can handle being raped, beaten, trapped in an elevator, have someone die, or running through woods. I'm just so tired of these nightmares that it's just... it's hard to deal with because dreams are part of the human mind. it's not like i can take a pill and my brain will shut down during the night so i don't dream. these nightmares... they set me off on the wrong foot sometimes. other times i remember them for a long long time. it's just that...

=/

nightmares. they're getting worse and more realistic.

i need help.

updates of nothing in particular

music school.

it's competitive. i find more competition in the music building over a practice room than in seating auditions. it's maddness. the only other competition i find is trying to find a washer not in use on a sunday night... pretty much camping out in the laundry room until someone's load is done, stalk them, and then quickly put your clothes in before they know what hit them.

the competition here is pretty high, but i don't seem to see it as much as i did during audition times and during seating auditions. the practice room issue is actually where i find all the competition and where i find out that musicians are vicious people. they will do anything to get into a practice room and hide out there for an hour or three or 20. i can never find a room that's open and it annoys the crap out of me.

annoyances? well... i have a lot of those in my life (cough cough roommate issues) but still, it's nothing to set me off on a long tangent unless i'm actually speaking to you and you know the person in question.

so here i am, a music student, annoyed by my roommate, annoyed at the music school, sitting, splitting headache (or a "horrible migraine" as my roommate would put it), on the floor, hunched over, in my girlfriend's room. why am i complaining? it's just an inconvenience to be in this situation.

this week is really really busy for me. i've been held up with Rocky Horror rehearsal, homework, practicing, classes, work.... i don't have time to do necessary things like eat and sleep.

don't get me wrong, i love what i do, it's just that it feels like it's too much at times. i'm just surprised i didn't end up like a cornell student.

emotionally i've been pretty stable since my last freakout - maybe i've been a little depressed? it's hard to say. but how can i be depressed? i mean, i'm in a good school, i'm in a good music program (and on clarinet, woah!), i have a girlfriend, i have friends, everyone is very supportive... why am i depressed? maybe because i secretly feel alone? it's hard to say. there's nothing really making me depressed.

but there is that factor of sleep. you see, i barely sleep anymore because of all these nightmares. last night i had a nightmare that i went on a roadtrip with my friend back home and we were following a bus carrying my high school band on it, but we stopped by a fast food resturaunt and we got lost. we ended up getting back with them, but our band director was drunk and it was really scary because my band director seems like the kind of guy who gets really angry when he's drunk and he was and he started hitting us. needless to say i woke up, but still...

i think that it might be my medications reacting to each other that makes me have nightmares.

everything is really confusing in my nightmares. but when i wake up, life seems better than when i'm asleep. i don't know how to deal with it...

final thoughts?

i'm fucking tired.

College Life

I didn't realize how stressful College Life can actually be. I mean, I've been so worked up with all the 10 classes that i'm in and all my 15.5 credits... but also, the social aspect of it... it's all very different. it's a little like high school where you have your own group of friends but at the same time... you make so many connections.

i've decided to get involved with the school more than just the music school. i'm participating in the school production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's been fun so far.

my bipoar was under control until a few days ago when our good friend, Cameron Bruce, tragically died. after that, all hell broke loose... after about 5 days of depression, i suddenly jumped into mania. i mean, my friend DIED. i should be feeling sad. I guess it hasn't hit me yet.

it's all so different.

i'm so confused

last post i talked about the basics of bipolar. but at this very moment, i don't know whether to cry my eyes out or to scream or to just be senile and say nothing while i try to figure out emotions in my head.

most of it has to do with guilt. true. but to be so comatose about the matter is what comes natural to me in a way. crying is a good 2nd option. the act of crying somehow makes someone feel better. but i don't have the energy or time to cry at the moment. to scream would get rid of all the anxiety that's building up in my stomach. i don't know what i'm anxious about, but it's there.

i'm so confused. i don't know what to feel or what to do about these feelings. i'm taking my meds like the doctor prescribed, but i don't know...

i think i might need to sleep.

a small update

nothing much has happened really. i graduated, yes. i have a girlfriend, yes. i'm going to college, yes.

but lately... something's been bothering me...

you know how depression is, and people can talk about it, but i feel like people have a hard time grasping the concept of bipolar disorder. i feel like i can't talk about my bipolar because not a lot of people understand it. this morning, my dad was talking to a friend about bipolar disorder and how when we get into the mania stage, we lose control. she responded that she didn't understand how we lose control of ourselves in the mania stage.

in the mania stage, for me it's a little different than most. i have bipolar type II. which means that it isn't as extreme as some cases that the media tends to skew out of proportion. when i go into mania, my mind just in overdrive. like i had too much caffeine or a sugar rush... i just get so hyper. my legs won't rest, i can't sleep, all i want to do is just get the energy out somehow. i'm fully aware when i'm in my mania, but i just can't control myself to stop, breathe, and think about what i'm doing. it just makes me come off as an annoying person who's really hyper and doesn't think. but that's not me at all.

i'm more like me when i'm in my depression. i get sad, i get upset, i get over it. but there is the occasional "i wouldn't mind dying right now" thought. passive suicidal thoughts. it's much different than when i was really depressed back then. back then, i was a danger to myself so they put me in a place where i couldn't hurt myself. now when i'm depressed i'm just as reckless, if not more, than when i'm in my mania.

why am i scared to think these thoughts? why won't i tell anyone?

the medications i'm on are working in the emotional department. in the physical department... it's another story. they make me shake, i got random bruises on my legs... there are time when i just go completely insane and have a mini-mental break down. it feels like a mania episode when i go crazy... but that's not really it. just imagine your mood... all being dependent on a pill... without it, you're mood is likely to change as quick as a magician's assistant. it's a horrible horrible disease, bipolar.

i'm just... not ready...

sick, sick, and APs

so for those who don't know, i've had an allergy attack about 2 weeks ago, and went to the ER. that experience was nice but also highly unpleasant. i can't STAND throat cultures. like, really. i start to choke and gag and it's horrible. i nearly threw up on the nurse.

next this guy comes in and tries to stick an IV in my left arm. ok, short side note: one of the two things my grandma and i have in common is that doctors and nurses have a hard time finding our viens. the other common trait is straight hair. anyway, he sticks the needle in me, so painfully, and misses the vein. he starts up the IV and leaves. after a while i thought he was injecting venom into my arm, i was in THAT much pain. eventually he came back, unhooked the IV, left the old one in, then stuck me in my right arm. at this point i had two needles in both my arms, and i was in so much pain. after he took out the old one, the pain subsided.

well, after that whole IV drama, they had to take blood to test for mono. more needles. yay. after 2 hours, both results turn out negative. so i went the allergist a few days later, and they don't know what i'm allergic to! all they concluded was that i'm not an athlete.

so after a week of feeling in top shape, my throat started hurting again. turns out i got strep throat. in so much pain for 2 days, uncomfortable for the next 2 days, i'm feeling better. but the bad news is that i have my AP music theory exam tomorrow. boo.

wish me luck on APs! :D

College and Music

So, after spending two days at Ithaca College, I have made my decision. I am going to spend 4 years at Ithaca College.

And after driving about 4 hours home, someone asked me "why do you like music?" Here's my answer (via facebook chat):

i guess it's the expressiveness and how much emotion is put out through the performer and through the composer

but also there's the element of hearing how everything that a composer does within a piece fits together. like how the piccolo can play with a tuba and it'll sound fantastic

you have to give credit to the composers because all the little motifs and things that are just so subtle are actually very interesting. the melody doesn't always have to be played in the higher voices but rather the melody jumps from voice to voice and all the little insides are just the cement holding it all together

music is a wonderful thing to listen to and a wonderful thing to perform

without music, there would be no raw human emotion in the world. just... politics.

well, that's what music means to me

if you ask someone else they'll tell you a completely different answer

the truth of the matter is, i know nothing about music

so i'm going to college to get myself educated in this wonderful thing

Senior trip and the day after

Senior trip was amazing. i would go into detail but... i'm just too lazy

anyway, today my good friend, Robyn, came over. it was a very good day.

no more updates for now...

6 down, NONE TO GO!

Ok, so i had my crane audition today. it went very well. it was just very very long. it was around 30 minutes, but we did a lot of things. the two clarinet professors asked me a lot of questions, admired my bass, heard me play, talk some more, and finally they gave me a recording of the Crane Clarinet Choir. i think they want me since they went on about their dream of having a bass clarinet octet.

so now i have to make a decision. after i hear back from susquehanna and crane, i have to chose where to go.

it's so scary.

all emotions set aside

ellen and i broke up. after a year and a month of dating, it wasn't a harsh "you did this!" "you did that!" "i hate you!" break up. it was more of a "lets step back and see what exactly is going on" breakup.

i mean. yes, there was crying. but what was said was said and what has been done is done.

we're going up to Potsdam tomorrow. apparently there's a clarinet meeting that night so we're going to that. i'm excited to get this over with :)

5 down 1 to go!

this week has been hellish. completely hellish. i've had so much shit come up that it's made me do stupid things thus making even more drama.

anyway, yesterday we went up to susquehanna university, a school i'm not too thrilled about. i wasn't really impressed with the school itself, but i have a lot of friends that go there and i hear it has a good music school.

so i got there and the gave me my schedule. 11:10 piano proficiency (which was basically me sight reading and playing a fakebook version of Shennandoah xDDD oh the irony), 1:20 musicianship and 1:30 actual audition. wait. look again. i had 10 minutes inbetween sight-singing and my actual audition. yes. that was what i guess made me do my performance the way it went.

so i met up with my friend and we went to the sight-singing and audition together (probably not the greatest idea on my part). i warmed up and went to go the sight singing which was fairly high for my range. well, sorry i can't hit a C within the staff.

the audition itself. gosh, it was my worst audition yet. my reeds dried out and my Bb felt like it was making it's own noise. then my bass reed dried out and i couldn't get a G# (on the staff) out. man, it was terrrible. i felt so bad. i couldn't do a 3 octave F scale, but i could do much more on bass than anything.

i wanted to cry. it was so bad. but i didn't, surprisingly. but what a surprise i got when i got home...

I GOT ACCEPTED TO ITHACA COLLEGE.

mom freaked out. we were going to party, but now we're just watching TV.

"you want it? you got it!"

why can't i remember?

i know i don't remember a lot of things. but i don't remember what i did today. i'm laying on my bed just like i usually do since i lack a desk and i'm trying to remember what i did today.

what did i do yesterday? what did i do last week? i'm trying to remember. there was something about chelsea and robyn. deep conversations. and i remember playing my uke and guitar for a while.

maybe it's because there was no school. or because i got into this routine of just doing things. maybe it's because every day seems like it's worthless.

i remember now.

i had a dream i drove to fairfield and hung out with chelsea and drove my way to robyn's. i wanted to meet with emma's parents to just talk about stuff. but i ended up being lost. i wanted to text emma (even though she didn't have texting) what her address was, but realized later in that "oh yeah" way that she's gone. i got stuck in an alley and asked an old cat lady where emma's house was. she told me to stay for tea, but i had to go. i needed to know how to get to emma's. she gave in and told me how to get there. i got there and i don't remember what happened next. maybe i woke up?

then i remembered that one dream that made a whole lot sense to me about her death. but since i can't remember quite clearly i'll look back at my diary entry of that date:

"11/1/09

I had an Emma Dream. It started out with Emma, Chelsea, Nick Bradley (idk) and I walking in the woods talking about the spirits that make noises at the bottom of a cliff in the woods. We all wanted to make the noises stop. In order to calm the spirits down, Emma was chosen to be a sacrifice. We heard a cry for help on the bottom of the cliff and Em looped the rope around her neck. I was horrified when she told Nick to pull as hard as he could. We all had ropes around our necks. We pulled and Chelsea came up on the other end. I ran over to Emma and told her not to do that again because it scared me. She just smiled and laughed.

We went back into her room and she was preparing for her sacrifice. It was slightly raining. Chelsea asked her if she really wanted to go through with it and once again Em smiled. I hugged her and told her that there was no way that she could do it. I told her how I couldn't imagine my life without her. She smiled and laughed and told me how we were going to room together at NEMC and how it was going to be the best year ever. I told her some memories and she told me hers. She got scissors and cut her fedora into three parts and gave us a part. She was smiling and laughing."

it made so much sense. knowing Emma, she was a very spiritual person and believed in wicca. i'm not too sure about sacrifices, but it sounds to me like she had the power within her to sacrifice something. i'm not saying that she sacrificed herself, but it is a possibility.

maybe i'm over-analyzing my dreams.

my insanity

my insanity is getting out of control. i'm gonna try to get help for it.

i feel like i've been neglecting everyone in my life. maybe because of these auditions. i'm being a shitty friend. especially to those who go to school with me. all i ever do is talk to friends that don't go to my school. or don't live in my state.

we got about 3 feet of snow today. it was fun. there was no school today and there's no school tomorrow which makes it a 6-day weekend. :D

everything is going oh-so fucking fantastic.

4 down, 2 to go and more

first off with the Fredonia audition, it went extremely well. i'm very confident i got in. but whatever. the plane ride back was shitty as hell. the landing especially.

i hate america. i really do. after watching the super bowl commercials, it just showed me that america is sexist and has obsessions with food and beer. why? because it's a man's world and that's just the way it is. i'm doing some research on gender roles/gender identity for my journalism class, and when a school polled 5th - 8th graders about the best an worst things about being a girl/boy, the boys had a little to no reasons about the worst things, and he girls had little to no reasons about the best things. to read the whole article, here's the link:

http://www2.edc.org/womensEquity/pubs/digests/digest-midschool.html

about the food issue, yes, there is an obvious addiction when most of the obese people in the world live in the united states. it sickens me to see all those happy faces see that beer truck coming down the road. this is why the us is fat and ugly and simply, stupid. no wonder there's so many tv shows on fat people (i.e. the biggest loser, the 500 pound virgin, the world's largest man, the 1 ton teen, etc.). by showing these shows, it makes the plague of fatness worse because people are actually fascinated by the fatness of their own country and just sit on their asses and be fat.

all these emotions stirred by the super bowl? yes. and sports too. interesting how in high school, they are willing to cut the arts programs, but not the sports programs which suck the money out of budget in the first place. god forbid football ends. it'll be the end of western civilization as we know it. ew. vomit.

all in all this country rots to the very core. not only can we not have a firm sense of government, but we can't control our people. america fails. epically.

when did it become sunday? seriously?

zomg red panda

because i will not have access to my own personal mac, here is a picture of a red panda. i'm flying off to buffalo tomorrow. mom told me not to bring my computer so i'm gonna be stuck with just texting.

anyway. here's to a good audition at SUNY Fredonia!

*cheers*

back into the swing of things

so, today was the start of the 2nd semester, and boy was it rough. it wasn't even a normal scheduled day. we had a class meeting sitting across from the freshmen in the main gym. it was brutal. couldn't hear anything.

i found out 3 of my midterm grades though. engrish - 89, latin - 73, and ap music theory - 94. not too bad, right?

i kinda fell asleep with the wrapping still around my wrist. i woke up at 3 am thinking to myself "oh shit!" and i got it off immediately. i woke up this morning listening to sum 41 (which is never a good thing) and found little burn marks on my wrist. goes to show that you shouldn't leave icy hot covered for very long. my wrist is getting better, it's just that it hurts a little now.

nothing really on my mind today.

icy hot

yay! i think i sprained my wrist yesterday morning. like, it would not work. so i went out and bought myself a handy-dandy ACE bandage! today it still kinda hurt so i wrapped it up and put icy hot on it. it feels sooooooo good.

so today was the last of the midterms. i had to come in for journalism, which took me about 30 minutes to finish up my front page. blahhh. no more midterms for me! :D and hopefully i'll only have to take just 1 or 2 finals.

nothing worth of interest came to my mind. it was something with music... but i don't remember.

lets see how far we've come

so i was being a creeper on facebook again, (seriously, i don't know anyone who doesn't) and i came across an old classmate of mine, Tyler Shamy. i haven't spoken to him since 8th grade when i asked him what he was doing staying after school and he told me that he was waiting for his ride to a commercial shoot. that's the last i saw of him. i found his fanpage on facebook and i decided to have a look. well... i think it'd be better if you took a look for yourself:

http://www.facebook.com/tylershamy?ref=ts

yeah. he's famous now. well...kinda. famous among those who follow radio disney religiously.

but that got me thinking to how i have made this double standard as either being a music teacher or being a full-time musician. both different worlds. i'd like to be part of the indie scene, but teaching is what i really want to do.

which bears the question: does one go out looking for fame, or does fame find you?

3 down, 3 to go

halfway done with auditions! yay! i got recommended to the dean of music at Ithaca. the audition itself wasn't the greatest on Bb, but on bass, it went very well. i nailed the cadenza and barely squeaked!

and so my next musing off the topic of music; are musicians over emotional?

i don't know. i guess they are to some degree. on the outside at least. on the inside they can feel intense emotion.

is music emotional?

yes and no. there is still that sort of musical sound of modern classical which is just so bizzare that i can't comprehend why someone would write just for the sake of writing music.

midtermssssssssssssss.

all i want is you and you're music music music

midterms started. i had english this morning and band afterwards. the english midterm was a little iffy, but i wrote a 3 page essay, which is good, i guess...

for band, we had to get dressed up and take the yearbook picture, and then we played through Slava! and Tempered Steel. both those songs are awesome and have great bass clarinet parts. a plus for us! during jazz band, mr. w told us that a bunch of seniors were boycotting a big fundraiser that we do called the Big Band Bash. this was ridiculous. i went on facebook to see if it was true, but i couldn't find anything about it. nothing at all. i guess it was his lame attempt to get us to advertise the BBB.

but anyway, i feel like all i've been talking about today was music. just how it affected my life and shit. it's a little sad that i spent the whole day thinking musically. that piece i shared yesterday was stuck in my head and i couldn't stop humming it.

maybe. perhaps. i'm insane.

"put another nickel in, in the nickelodeon, all i want is you and your music music music"

a bit of music to soothe the soul

now, i will admit, this song may seem boring to those who don't have an ear for good music, but if you listen very closely, then it's a magical piece, very exposed, but yet, so grand and powerful.

just take a listen. that's all you need. 8 minutes of your spare time and just listen...

la-la-la-language

so for my english class i had to write an essay on how the english language is influenced in modern day like how the printing press was in the renaissance. simple, right? the internet.

by use of the internet, people are speaking and writing much differently than we were 20 years ago. we now shorten our words and use acronyms for things like LOL and OMG and WTF, BTW, TBH, STFU, LMAO, TTYL, IDK MY BFF JILL. not only are we writing like this, but we're actually speaking these abbreviations. it's sad in a way, but also it's proof that english is an influx language.

enough about that though, i want to talk about how it's possible that i heard Bad Romance when i got into my car for school, when i got into my car to go home, when i got into my car to go to my lesson, and when i got into my car to go home again. i mean, sure it was epic the first time, but now it's just getting really annoying. i mean, love lady gaga, but boo to the whores at 92.3 NY. you fail. they keep playing the same songs over and over again, i'm now sick and tired of Bad Romance. and boo to nick cannon for taking over the radio station. i liked it better when it was just black, not poser black.

i decided to give my stalker a 2nd chance. if she yells at me again, then i'm not speaking to her again.

-en

tic tok

so i guess the mood struck me out of boredom. i still don't know what motivated me to drink. was i feeling depressed? did i want to know what it tasted like? i already know what beer tastes like, and damn is it bitter.

i guess my musing tonight comes from the shit music i've been hearing for the past 10 years. it was good all through the 90's and some into the 00's, but seriously, the songs i hear these days. they're such utter crap. it shows that anyone can write a song and be a big hit even without talent. look at ke$ha. her hit single tic tok is a load of crap, but people eat this shit up. sure, it's catchy, but the lyrics are about drinking and having sex with really ugly men, and ke$ha can't sing for shit. her voice is all synthetic and auto-tuned. kinda like madonna in a way, but way less classy.

anyway. it just goes to show that you can just speak a bunch of lines that sound good, add a cool backbeat to them and then get to the top 40 in less than a week. but what about the real musicians out there? the ones who actually practice playing and write their songs and have deep meanings? where are they? why aren't they on the top 40?

most of the good music these days are found in the underground music scene. it's almost that by chance a word of them spoke out and then they become a blip on the radar. then they money flows in and they become a sellout. happened with a lot of rock bands (fall out boy, who?) and i guess it's their 15 minutes of fame being milked out for 1 or 2 "good" songs that they wrote. what blows my mind is how the songs that come on the radio are actually the worst songs they have ever written. take fall out boy's dance dance for example. terrible song. they were experimenting with a new style (more modern?) and they failed. i'd much prefer that the radio picked their song, bang the doldrums instead. it's a more interesting song and it has more musical value (listen to that 3 against 2 in the drums). a much better song, but never played on the radio.

so it just seems to me like the ear of modern times is now dwindling down. people make crap music and play it as a hit (except for lady gaga, she's the only one that can actually sing). i guess our ears evolved to hear a more electronic sound so that we don't notice which is a real voice and which is a synthetic voice.

overall. music just sucks these days

2 down 4 to go + drama

sooooooooo. we got to elizabethtown college and took a theory test. it was easy ear training stuff. i went out first since i was the first to audition. it went really well. i messed up in different parts than the moravian audition. after my audition i had to take the other part of the test. i had to wait for about 30 minutes until i had to go into a room and sight sing.

holy crap. sighting is hard. but i did really well when he played a melody and i had to sing it back. :D yay! it was a long wait but i made it through to the interview which was a little intimidating, but Dr. D was really nice.

i'm confident that i made it. of course, it's my fall back school, but still. Dr. H told us during lunch that most of the people auditioning got in. it made me feel good.

so i got back and tried to rest until the concert. long story short, the concert was awesome, my friend's sister was in the audience, nodding off. to the beat. it was hilarious. i now have a newfound respect for Beethoven.

but then the drama starts.

i now have a stalker. a legit one. a one-tracked mind, crazy, psychopathic, bipolar stalker. i mean, she's all like "i can't live without you" and then she's like "i feel like i should die since you don't love me" and then she's like "oh yeah, you're a bitch".

i had it with her. seriously. i just can't deal with this shit.

fuck

traveling again

so here i am, in some cheap hotel in the middle of pennsylvania. awesome. but the on the way here, i looked up at the sky, and it was awesome. the glow of the sun behind the thin clouds, it was gorgeous.

i looked up at the sky and realized, there is more to life than all the problems here on earth. compared to the sky, we seem so insignificant. we're just little star dusts on a rock in a huge universe. it doesn't matter that someone's life is in my hands. it doesn't matter about school or grades, or what's due when. all of that is so insignificant compared to the universe as a whole.

not to say that i'm going to be lazy, but it just made me feel better looking at the sky which is massive and huge and important, and comparing it to the stresses of my life.

it feels nice

i wonder...

if i were to be seen as who i really am... who would i be? what kind of person?

a hypocrite? yeah probably. tell people to not do things that you do.

good news:

i got into Moravian school of music and got a really big scholarship

friend A was happy

bad news:

audition is saturday

was in a bad mood today

passed out last night

probably won't finish my homework tonight

friend A got really upset over friend B who started yelling at friend A

so. i just wonder, how would you be viewed if you were the person you really are? in the big argument of friends A and B, B started talking to A asking if she was okay. A was being a little depressed, so B tried to get her to talk. A didn't like that. B started yelling at her and called her names. A retaliated back, but with no avail, thus making her hate B because she likes to just pick a fight.

pick a fight? hardly. friend B was trying to explain to friend A how her life is going right now, but ended up misinterpreted as a fight and name-calling. all childish in my opinion. they're both adults (to some degree) and they fight like they're 3. i mean, it's sad that they would be fighting like this when friend A is in distress. friend B has been worried sick about A, but she holds grudges that last for a long time, so it looks like B won't be talking to A for a while.

and where do i play in? the middle of course. it's because i'm the one that has to calm A down. A's life is basically in my hands at the moment and B intervening and talking shit about A didn't make things better. am i upset at B? yes. am i upset at A? yes. why? B and A are both being immature. it makes me wonder, do people really ever grow up?

and if people don't grow up, where do they go? neverland? i can't help but think that i am the sole purpose that A is still alive and that B is miserable. i just became an omnibus to the situation, so i'm still not sure how to run things. it feels like i have complete control and if one thing slips up, then it's all over.

pressure

mind readers

i wonder how people will view me if they spent a day in my head. i mean, would they think that i'm cynical? a horrible person? a good person?

now comes the question: how do you think?

i think in many different ways depending on the situation. sometimes i think logically, sometimes i think more daringly, and other times, i'm either clueless or blinded. my thinking patterns are more of an exotic nature than most i would think. and because i have been through a lot in my life, there's no doubt that when you finally leave my mind for the day, you'll pass out.

i must be very exhausted. i keep talking about sleep. my mind sometimes doesn't think at all. it just says that it's out to lunch and i end up zoning out.

i wonder how my mind actually works when i'm playing my instrument. it must be a mega overload since i have to think about 10 things at once. tempo, dynamics, technique, oh my. it's a lot to handle. and ontop of that, you're thinking about other things too; is you're homework done? did you even have homework? how is your friend doing? is everything okay with them? are you yourself okay? i'm just exhausted. ok.

now, i know i don't express emotions or reactions very well, but i still feel them on the inside. i wouldn't judge my facial expression on how i feel. more like, i would trust what i verbally tell you i'm feeling.

i guess what i'm just saying is that my mind is overworked.

(i'm much better since the last post)

i am grounded i am humbled i am one with everything

i needed a real boost today. i'm feeling a little down to be honest, and i don't know if i can make it through this tough time. my friend is going through a depression, and i'm really worried about her. it makes me feel overwhelmed in a sense that i'm doing the best i can, and she's refusing help from anyone else.

i'm trying to make myself feel happy so that i don't have to go back in that downward spiral. i tried writing on myself, i tried my other alternatives, but nothing seems to work. maybe i'm destined for another relapse.

i hate to sound all emo, but this is how i feel right now. my friend hurting herself is hurting all her friends who want to help her. it's upsetting, how tempting the devil can be. just think of it; relieve your problems and emotions (temporarily) by just snatching the blade next to you and see that red blood drip down your arm. how nice would it be to be happy for once? just think of yourself for once and not have anyone interfere with your actions.

i'm not in the right frame of mind tonight. maybe some sleep will make it better. make the bad thoughts go away.

back from the shop!

my long-time lover and bass clarinet, André, went into the shop today. just for a few things, nothing too major like a missing key or a hardcore crack. i just needed new cork, i had a sticky key and i needed to figure out how to make my low C key actually go down all the way.

just minor things, right?

WRONG

apparently, i had a few keys really bent out of shape and i needed new felt and cork. i was like "woah!". it was mad scary listening to him banging and buzzing my instrument. but and hour and a half later, it works better than before.

what happened yesterday:

i passed out

it was bad. i was completely exhausted and i barely ate and i was walking around new york city all day. and seeing wicked again was like major emotional trip. it was really good.

happy MLK day!

And the Award for Little Miss Indie goes to....

well. i guess you could call today a very indie day. why? well, i guess i dressed the part with my flannel shirt, skinny jeans, studded belt, and converses. the only thing missing was the teenage pregnancy and the volkswagen bus.

my girlfriend, ellen, and i went out for a drive. she stopped by a park and we sat on the swings for a little while. i mean, who doesn't like to be 18 and 19 and swinging on swings? i got this crazy idea to go out to two other parks to see if they were more fun. the first one, not so much since there was an age range of 3 to 13 there and a couple of drug dealers. the second one though, we barely touched the playground.

on the way to the second playground, we passed by this odd looking thing in the road. ellen was curious so we stopped to pick it up. and by "we" i mean she stayed in the car, on the side of the road with her hazard lights on while i attempted to cross a busy highway to grab the thing and run back with it. i grabbed the hunk of metal and we went. as we inspected it, it was a water pipe cover thing. you know...those little manholes that say "water" on them? yeah, it was that. it even had some asphalt stuck to the top of it. it was damn heavy too.

so at the second playground, we took the water cover and we wanted to drop it off somewhere. ellen wanted to throw it into the creek that was nearby, but i wanted to put it in the woods somewhere. we left it on the side of a bike path. after washing my hands in the creek underneath a bridge, we explored said bike path and ended up by a farm where there were two horses. we stood by the side of the fence and just watched the two of them eat grass. they made their way to us and this huge brown one inspected our hands. i don't think they liked us too much.

so we made our way back to the park and sat on the swings again talking about random shit. we checked the car to see if our dead body was there and then we left.

it was really fun.

1 down, 5 to go

i had my moravian audition today. and despite my mom and i bickering and getting lost for about 5 minutes in bethlehem, we were early. the admission people were really nice, they had doughnut holes and coffee and everything. we talked to the woman at registration explaining that the clarinet teacher that works there was going to come to see my audition.

they put me in a room to warm up (it was about 10 minutes or so) and then they were like "okay! you all warmed up and ready to go?" and so i briefly met with the clarinet teacher before going into the huge hall.

i was slightly nervous. not as nervous as i thought i would have been. they asked me which piece i was going to perform and then i played. missed note there, a squeak here, forgot that dynamic. then onto the second piece. took that way to fast, not enough vibrato there, missed notes here, half assed ending. stand up. smile. thank you. walk off the stage.

i felt pretty good. they took me to another room to test my sight singing and piano skills. alto? soprano? alto. good. sing this. starting note A. key D minor. go. stop. listen. sing. a perfect 5th above this. a minor 3rd below this.

i failed, but no worries, this is only for placement. now play piano. twinkle twinkle, home on the range, we gather together, stop. fail. smile. thank you. walk.

it wasn't a bad audition. i was really chill for most the time. it was a thousand times better than the region auditions (where everything is so fast paced, and if you talk/laugh/cough you get points taken off your score).

i have confidence that i'll make it in. for certain.

a grim tale for the light heartened

i could barely get any sleep last night.

why might you ask? well, lets just say that a friend of mine decided to do something drastic to herself. if you guessed self-injury, then you're right. now i know why people want to hurt themselves, i've been there before; hurting so much on the inside that you want to just feel something at least human. i've seen many people go through this dark stage and trust me, it's scary as hell.

not many people know what it's like to cut/burn/hurt yourself. it's a matter of their mental state of being that could push them over the edge to self destruction. you get so lost in your own world, that nothing makes sense anymore. you start to break down, crying sometimes, because you don't know what to feel; anger? sadness? what is happiness anyway?

then you start to feel like you don't mean anything to anyone anymore. why am i here? what good do i do for other people? i'm not noted enough for my effort, why won't anyone recognize me? why does everyone hate me?

so now you're doubting your existence. would people care if i died? how would my friends react? am i doing the right thing?

you chicken out on doing the actual suicide, but now you're still suck with this feeling of worthlessness and doubt. am i really human? or am i some sort of creature? so you take that knife and you feel more human. the feeling... does it feel good? does it hurt? it depends. some like the pain so much that it had become an addiction.

i should stop before i get more into detail. but you get my point. it's a grim tale, but true. i see it all the time. it sucks.

music is my hot hot sex

ever have one of those feelings when you just get so emotional when you hear a piece of music?

so we had our school's winter band concert. it went really well, other than me running around all over the place. i played a whopping 9 songs altogether. i had to perform in the 2nd and 3rd groups. in the 2nd group (symphonic winds) i played Bb clarinet and in the 3rd group (wind ensemble) i played the bass clarinet.

while i was playing, i felt emotion. real, true emotion. it was like, all my troubles went away and i got so involved with the piece that nothing else mattered. the wind ensemble went onstage and we started playing Shenandoah, which was written for a kid who was in band and committed suicide. his favorite piece was this song, Shenandoah. when the wind ensemble played it, i nearly started crying because it made me think if anyone would write a piece for band for my ex-girlfriend who took her own life.

when music reaches out to people like that, that is real music. it is supposed to be emotional, it's supposed to tell a story, supposed to have a purpose. most music is dedicated to people in their memory, or they're commissioned by a band or orchestra. our school had (i think) 3 pieces dedicated to us, all were inspired by different things, but i couldn't feel the emotional human element in those pieces.

basically. the concert tonight was very emotional. i felt happy when we played a piece that was upbeat and fast. i felt emotional when we played a slow, sad piece. it felt really good to be able to feel emotions while playing.

Hmmm...

i guess i'm supposed to say hi. and who i am and such.

i'm Emily. that's all you need to know. but at this point, it doesn't matter who i am. i'm sure you'll find out eventually.

this blog is for my thoughts of random things. i may talk about controversial issues, or what i did that day, or maybe i'll talk about myself.

so here i am. Emily