changes

change is difficult. more so to others than me. however i still struggle with change.

they way i go about it is to ease my way into it. like how you would ease your way into a tight space or ease yourself onto a new SRI. there has been feelings that i have hidden ever since i was young. i didn't know how to go about them other than refuse to wear dresses, stockings, have long hair, or be in a female gendered role.

my mom has been trying to get me to act like a girl for 19 years. i caved around 6th grade with growing my hair out (unhealthily nonetheless) and wearing tighter fitting clothing.

either way it doesn't represent who i am. the feelings i've felt when i was young were present, but i didn't think about them all the time. i took it as me just wanting to be more like my brother and in the end concluded that i was attracted to girls is all. but there's something more...

i'm easing my way into this change of accepting my feelings by not shaving my legs. though it's more than just accepting the feelings, it's also about how i know that i can never be that 90 pound skinny blonde on the cover of magazines and about how it's a man's world - mainly, objectifying women to be in their own image of what is attractive. /politcalstatement

i just can't hide these feelings. i can't run away from them. they will always be there, and i don't know how i can deal with them.

change is hard.

late night blues

i know you've had those nights where you just cannot go to sleep. i've had them too, but not this bad.

after playing a good 5 hours of video games (specifically God of War 2), i thought that my brain was worn out and i would go right to sleep, right?

WRONG.

after having chills, feeling nauseous, rolling over i don't know how many times, and adjusting my pillow, i just cannot fall asleep... meaning that 3 hours ago i tried to sleep but was rudely awakened by horror images and my body trying to kill me. then i remembered that i didn't take my night meds which help me sleep when i'm manic.

on the plus side, this is the first time i didn't feel depressed for about two weeks.

last week was finals, i almost got kicked out of college, my girlfriend broke up with me, and i come home to an inhospitable home filled with feces, piss, and my grandma. the only thing bearable here is my mom, my cat, and the fact that my dad and my brother are away... for now.

a few days ago, my love life has taken a pretty bad turn. my ex wants to get back together with me, i have a crush on a taken girl, and the one person i could actually imagine my life with is changing her whole life around and there is a possibility that we could be together. in the end someone will get hurt, and i hate that. i just want to make thing better for everyone, even if i have to suffer - and boy did that turn out alright in the end .

maybe i'm not over my bout of depression from everything going on. all i know is that i want to feel like myself again.... that is, if i ever figure out who myself is. gender expression? trans? lesbian? what is going on?

i don't know if anyone reads this, which probably only 3 people max do, but if you do read this, could you comment to let me know that i'm not alone? please?