changes

change is difficult. more so to others than me. however i still struggle with change.

they way i go about it is to ease my way into it. like how you would ease your way into a tight space or ease yourself onto a new SRI. there has been feelings that i have hidden ever since i was young. i didn't know how to go about them other than refuse to wear dresses, stockings, have long hair, or be in a female gendered role.

my mom has been trying to get me to act like a girl for 19 years. i caved around 6th grade with growing my hair out (unhealthily nonetheless) and wearing tighter fitting clothing.

either way it doesn't represent who i am. the feelings i've felt when i was young were present, but i didn't think about them all the time. i took it as me just wanting to be more like my brother and in the end concluded that i was attracted to girls is all. but there's something more...

i'm easing my way into this change of accepting my feelings by not shaving my legs. though it's more than just accepting the feelings, it's also about how i know that i can never be that 90 pound skinny blonde on the cover of magazines and about how it's a man's world - mainly, objectifying women to be in their own image of what is attractive. /politcalstatement

i just can't hide these feelings. i can't run away from them. they will always be there, and i don't know how i can deal with them.

change is hard.