i'm so confused

last post i talked about the basics of bipolar. but at this very moment, i don't know whether to cry my eyes out or to scream or to just be senile and say nothing while i try to figure out emotions in my head.

most of it has to do with guilt. true. but to be so comatose about the matter is what comes natural to me in a way. crying is a good 2nd option. the act of crying somehow makes someone feel better. but i don't have the energy or time to cry at the moment. to scream would get rid of all the anxiety that's building up in my stomach. i don't know what i'm anxious about, but it's there.

i'm so confused. i don't know what to feel or what to do about these feelings. i'm taking my meds like the doctor prescribed, but i don't know...

i think i might need to sleep.

a small update

nothing much has happened really. i graduated, yes. i have a girlfriend, yes. i'm going to college, yes.

but lately... something's been bothering me...

you know how depression is, and people can talk about it, but i feel like people have a hard time grasping the concept of bipolar disorder. i feel like i can't talk about my bipolar because not a lot of people understand it. this morning, my dad was talking to a friend about bipolar disorder and how when we get into the mania stage, we lose control. she responded that she didn't understand how we lose control of ourselves in the mania stage.

in the mania stage, for me it's a little different than most. i have bipolar type II. which means that it isn't as extreme as some cases that the media tends to skew out of proportion. when i go into mania, my mind just in overdrive. like i had too much caffeine or a sugar rush... i just get so hyper. my legs won't rest, i can't sleep, all i want to do is just get the energy out somehow. i'm fully aware when i'm in my mania, but i just can't control myself to stop, breathe, and think about what i'm doing. it just makes me come off as an annoying person who's really hyper and doesn't think. but that's not me at all.

i'm more like me when i'm in my depression. i get sad, i get upset, i get over it. but there is the occasional "i wouldn't mind dying right now" thought. passive suicidal thoughts. it's much different than when i was really depressed back then. back then, i was a danger to myself so they put me in a place where i couldn't hurt myself. now when i'm depressed i'm just as reckless, if not more, than when i'm in my mania.

why am i scared to think these thoughts? why won't i tell anyone?

the medications i'm on are working in the emotional department. in the physical department... it's another story. they make me shake, i got random bruises on my legs... there are time when i just go completely insane and have a mini-mental break down. it feels like a mania episode when i go crazy... but that's not really it. just imagine your mood... all being dependent on a pill... without it, you're mood is likely to change as quick as a magician's assistant. it's a horrible horrible disease, bipolar.

i'm just... not ready...