change is difficult. more so to others than me. however i still struggle with change.
they way i go about it is to ease my way into it. like how you would ease your way into a tight space or ease yourself onto a new SRI. there has been feelings that i have hidden ever since i was young. i didn't know how to go about them other than refuse to wear dresses, stockings, have long hair, or be in a female gendered role.
my mom has been trying to get me to act like a girl for 19 years. i caved around 6th grade with growing my hair out (unhealthily nonetheless) and wearing tighter fitting clothing.
either way it doesn't represent who i am. the feelings i've felt when i was young were present, but i didn't think about them all the time. i took it as me just wanting to be more like my brother and in the end concluded that i was attracted to girls is all. but there's something more...
i'm easing my way into this change of accepting my feelings by not shaving my legs. though it's more than just accepting the feelings, it's also about how i know that i can never be that 90 pound skinny blonde on the cover of magazines and about how it's a man's world - mainly, objectifying women to be in their own image of what is attractive. /politcalstatement
i just can't hide these feelings. i can't run away from them. they will always be there, and i don't know how i can deal with them.
change is hard.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
late night blues
i know you've had those nights where you just cannot go to sleep. i've had them too, but not this bad.
after playing a good 5 hours of video games (specifically God of War 2), i thought that my brain was worn out and i would go right to sleep, right?
WRONG.
after having chills, feeling nauseous, rolling over i don't know how many times, and adjusting my pillow, i just cannot fall asleep... meaning that 3 hours ago i tried to sleep but was rudely awakened by horror images and my body trying to kill me. then i remembered that i didn't take my night meds which help me sleep when i'm manic.
on the plus side, this is the first time i didn't feel depressed for about two weeks.
last week was finals, i almost got kicked out of college, my girlfriend broke up with me, and i come home to an inhospitable home filled with feces, piss, and my grandma. the only thing bearable here is my mom, my cat, and the fact that my dad and my brother are away... for now.
a few days ago, my love life has taken a pretty bad turn. my ex wants to get back together with me, i have a crush on a taken girl, and the one person i could actually imagine my life with is changing her whole life around and there is a possibility that we could be together. in the end someone will get hurt, and i hate that. i just want to make thing better for everyone, even if i have to suffer - and boy did that turn out alright in the end .
maybe i'm not over my bout of depression from everything going on. all i know is that i want to feel like myself again.... that is, if i ever figure out who myself is. gender expression? trans? lesbian? what is going on?
i don't know if anyone reads this, which probably only 3 people max do, but if you do read this, could you comment to let me know that i'm not alone? please?
after playing a good 5 hours of video games (specifically God of War 2), i thought that my brain was worn out and i would go right to sleep, right?
WRONG.
after having chills, feeling nauseous, rolling over i don't know how many times, and adjusting my pillow, i just cannot fall asleep... meaning that 3 hours ago i tried to sleep but was rudely awakened by horror images and my body trying to kill me. then i remembered that i didn't take my night meds which help me sleep when i'm manic.
on the plus side, this is the first time i didn't feel depressed for about two weeks.
last week was finals, i almost got kicked out of college, my girlfriend broke up with me, and i come home to an inhospitable home filled with feces, piss, and my grandma. the only thing bearable here is my mom, my cat, and the fact that my dad and my brother are away... for now.
a few days ago, my love life has taken a pretty bad turn. my ex wants to get back together with me, i have a crush on a taken girl, and the one person i could actually imagine my life with is changing her whole life around and there is a possibility that we could be together. in the end someone will get hurt, and i hate that. i just want to make thing better for everyone, even if i have to suffer - and boy did that turn out alright in the end .
maybe i'm not over my bout of depression from everything going on. all i know is that i want to feel like myself again.... that is, if i ever figure out who myself is. gender expression? trans? lesbian? what is going on?
i don't know if anyone reads this, which probably only 3 people max do, but if you do read this, could you comment to let me know that i'm not alone? please?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I'm taking this survey at 2am... I've been awake since 7am
So I got a nice little email from my WONDERFUL college (emphasis on wonderful) that had inside none other than a little survey on how the music school can be creative. Creative. Creative. Creative... Creative.
Creative.
Dear Ithaca College,
What. The. Fuck?
As if music isn't already the definition of creativity, emotion, expression, and a ton of other words that i don't know and am too lazy to look up. So I figured, hey, why not? i mean it's just a stupid survey. that's when i noticed the COMMENT section to each question. Each question is rated 1-5. 5 being "Strongly agree" as usual. No- not questions. OPINIONS. Oh, I'm sorry, Ithaca... did I hear some slight chance that I might have SOME SMALL PORTION OF INDIVIDUALITY? i'm not a number anymore? i'm not student #701387195? I'M NOT JUST A CRAPPY SCORE ON THE SAT! WOOO!
Before you, the reader (that is, if i have any at this point), go and point fingers to the various drugs i'm on and all the possible little illegal things i can get my awkwardly shaped hands on, rest assured that i am in no way under the influence of any drug. only medication.
I already filled out some of the survey. might as well go and post my answers here because there's a fat chance that Ithaca actually WILL listen to me. but what do i know? I'm just a freshman music student who has as little individuality as black people in the 1950's. There were only one or two cool ones, the others were all the same.
So. Might as well get on with the show, right?
What Class Are You In?
First Year
Despite Studies and Other Responsibilities, you are able to be connected to the most meaningful and creative parts of your work
4
Comment on how you stay connected to the importance of your work and what is the most meaningful/creative part of your work:
It just makes sense. Music is related to music.
You have enough time and energy to feel renewed in order to think creatively
2
Comment: If you don't feel connected in order to think creatively, are there specific changes that could be made in the music school to improve this (beyond reduced course load)
Beyond reduced course load, I feel like the professors should understand a typical music student's schedule. Most of the classes are just one or one and half credits, making us take an insane amount of classes per semester. The expectation should still be high, but they have to understand that the students are not only taking just one class.
You feel most of the music courses you take emphasize creative approaches to the material (P.S. I just closed the tab that had all my answers on it. so i am now doing this live.)
I'll give it a 4
Comment on how these approaches are emphasized; if they are not, suggest ways in which you feel they might be.
Well, in regards to Musical Styles, Professor White has a very creative take on it. He goes off and relates music to some semi-pop culture (albeit somewhat outdated), but it works. Creativity is really up to the individual.
You would like to explore creative activities other than those you're usually involved in.
hmm... i think a 4
Comment on what creative activities you would like to explore:
Non music courses? I mean, anything outside of the music school is a good break from trying to please all of the adults in my life.
You would like the school to help foster creativity in ways that it does not currently.
I believe I gave this a 3.
Comment on what form that might take:
Creativity is really up to the individual. You can teach a monkey to write, but it'll still be... a monkey. Okay, that was a bad analogy... But creativity isn't something you are taught via textbook, it's like common sense. It's just there. You aren't taught it (or maybe i'm wrong with the way parenting is going these days in this country), but it has that unique characteristic of just being second nature. some have it, some don't. it's up to the individual, their personality, their opinions, and their own thoughts. The school can help I guess by letting the students express themselves, but the school already does that. Maybe the school should have arts and crafts after school on Wednesdays? Perhaps a workshop maybe on how to actually be an individual person.
3.
Comment on what type of retreat would be valuable:
If it was optional, it'd be good. Music students will explode if they're away from their instrument for too long.
OH DEAR GOD YES. THAT IS A 5!
That would be very helpful. I stressed out my back during midterms week from all the studying and hunching over the computer like a zombie and from mopping floors at 1am for work.
What is this even asking? 4 i guess?
Comment on specifics:
As you could probably tell from my previous answers, that I am quite creative. It's part of the whole personality thing, something a computer wouldn't understand.
5
Comment:
Someone has to have a sense of humor when they're working until 1am.
5 (just for the first half of the sentence; "You've taken courses outside the music school")
Italian 101 and Academic Writing, which I almost spelled "Academic" completely wrong.
Italian taught me that all Italians are happy and they like pasta. Also, that if the professor doesn't feel like teaching, they can cancel class. Especially at 9am.
Academic Writing taught me how to be a cynical bitch to everyone. How to overanalize things and try to find meaning in words that aren't there. I loved my professor though. He has a good taste in hats.
the fuck? who would actually want to dance a sarabande? i mean, if you want to die, i guess you could. I'm giving this a 4 just for the mention of sarabande.
no one wants to dance a sarabande. however, i do like the workshop of how not to kill yourself by playing your instrument. i think it was called yoga? But it has to be at a better time, as in, when people don't have class, because 9:30 totally cuts into class and me-time.
5 (oh high school... BE SPONTANEOUS!)
Comment:
All music of any performance or structure is of importance to me. However, life is too boring to have predictable situations and this also applies to music. instead of, say, at the end of a huge symphony have the last cadence be a perfect authentic cadence of V-I, have it end with a triangle beat. Kind of how I ended this survey.
5
What's the harm in playing a few random notes?
5
I call it... the crinkle concerto.
... what? uh... i think 3?
... I don't understand the statement.
Oh god... umm... so like... 26 hours of legit class time, plus all the times Galvan has yelled at me for skipping a performance for work... i'd say like 30.
Oh jeeze... I have to CALCULATE this? let see... 3 hours of homework per night plus 3 hours studying per night so 6 times 7 is 42? lets round down so i dont look like a tool. 40.
too many... so the 5 hours of sleep, 3 hours of playing video games in Nicole's room... i'd say 20.
*ding*
THATS IT. THE END OF THE SURVEY. GO HOME.
Creative.
Dear Ithaca College,
What. The. Fuck?
As if music isn't already the definition of creativity, emotion, expression, and a ton of other words that i don't know and am too lazy to look up. So I figured, hey, why not? i mean it's just a stupid survey. that's when i noticed the COMMENT section to each question. Each question is rated 1-5. 5 being "Strongly agree" as usual. No- not questions. OPINIONS. Oh, I'm sorry, Ithaca... did I hear some slight chance that I might have SOME SMALL PORTION OF INDIVIDUALITY? i'm not a number anymore? i'm not student #701387195? I'M NOT JUST A CRAPPY SCORE ON THE SAT! WOOO!
Before you, the reader (that is, if i have any at this point), go and point fingers to the various drugs i'm on and all the possible little illegal things i can get my awkwardly shaped hands on, rest assured that i am in no way under the influence of any drug. only medication.
I already filled out some of the survey. might as well go and post my answers here because there's a fat chance that Ithaca actually WILL listen to me. but what do i know? I'm just a freshman music student who has as little individuality as black people in the 1950's. There were only one or two cool ones, the others were all the same.
So. Might as well get on with the show, right?
What Class Are You In?
First Year
Despite Studies and Other Responsibilities, you are able to be connected to the most meaningful and creative parts of your work
4
Comment on how you stay connected to the importance of your work and what is the most meaningful/creative part of your work:
It just makes sense. Music is related to music.
You have enough time and energy to feel renewed in order to think creatively
2
Comment: If you don't feel connected in order to think creatively, are there specific changes that could be made in the music school to improve this (beyond reduced course load)
Beyond reduced course load, I feel like the professors should understand a typical music student's schedule. Most of the classes are just one or one and half credits, making us take an insane amount of classes per semester. The expectation should still be high, but they have to understand that the students are not only taking just one class.
You feel most of the music courses you take emphasize creative approaches to the material (P.S. I just closed the tab that had all my answers on it. so i am now doing this live.)
I'll give it a 4
Comment on how these approaches are emphasized; if they are not, suggest ways in which you feel they might be.
Well, in regards to Musical Styles, Professor White has a very creative take on it. He goes off and relates music to some semi-pop culture (albeit somewhat outdated), but it works. Creativity is really up to the individual.
You would like to explore creative activities other than those you're usually involved in.
hmm... i think a 4
Comment on what creative activities you would like to explore:
Non music courses? I mean, anything outside of the music school is a good break from trying to please all of the adults in my life.
You would like the school to help foster creativity in ways that it does not currently.
I believe I gave this a 3.
Comment on what form that might take:
Creativity is really up to the individual. You can teach a monkey to write, but it'll still be... a monkey. Okay, that was a bad analogy... But creativity isn't something you are taught via textbook, it's like common sense. It's just there. You aren't taught it (or maybe i'm wrong with the way parenting is going these days in this country), but it has that unique characteristic of just being second nature. some have it, some don't. it's up to the individual, their personality, their opinions, and their own thoughts. The school can help I guess by letting the students express themselves, but the school already does that. Maybe the school should have arts and crafts after school on Wednesdays? Perhaps a workshop maybe on how to actually be an individual person.
3.
Comment on what type of retreat would be valuable:
If it was optional, it'd be good. Music students will explode if they're away from their instrument for too long.
OH DEAR GOD YES. THAT IS A 5!
That would be very helpful. I stressed out my back during midterms week from all the studying and hunching over the computer like a zombie and from mopping floors at 1am for work.
What is this even asking? 4 i guess?
Comment on specifics:
As you could probably tell from my previous answers, that I am quite creative. It's part of the whole personality thing, something a computer wouldn't understand.
5
Comment:
Someone has to have a sense of humor when they're working until 1am.
5 (just for the first half of the sentence; "You've taken courses outside the music school")
Italian 101 and Academic Writing, which I almost spelled "Academic" completely wrong.
Italian taught me that all Italians are happy and they like pasta. Also, that if the professor doesn't feel like teaching, they can cancel class. Especially at 9am.
Academic Writing taught me how to be a cynical bitch to everyone. How to overanalize things and try to find meaning in words that aren't there. I loved my professor though. He has a good taste in hats.
the fuck? who would actually want to dance a sarabande? i mean, if you want to die, i guess you could. I'm giving this a 4 just for the mention of sarabande.
no one wants to dance a sarabande. however, i do like the workshop of how not to kill yourself by playing your instrument. i think it was called yoga? But it has to be at a better time, as in, when people don't have class, because 9:30 totally cuts into class and me-time.
5 (oh high school... BE SPONTANEOUS!)
Comment:
All music of any performance or structure is of importance to me. However, life is too boring to have predictable situations and this also applies to music. instead of, say, at the end of a huge symphony have the last cadence be a perfect authentic cadence of V-I, have it end with a triangle beat. Kind of how I ended this survey.
5
What's the harm in playing a few random notes?
5
I call it... the crinkle concerto.
... what? uh... i think 3?
... I don't understand the statement.
Oh god... umm... so like... 26 hours of legit class time, plus all the times Galvan has yelled at me for skipping a performance for work... i'd say like 30.
Oh jeeze... I have to CALCULATE this? let see... 3 hours of homework per night plus 3 hours studying per night so 6 times 7 is 42? lets round down so i dont look like a tool. 40.
too many... so the 5 hours of sleep, 3 hours of playing video games in Nicole's room... i'd say 20.
*ding*
THATS IT. THE END OF THE SURVEY. GO HOME.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Help Me
So as I've been home i've been noticing that my parents are fighting more and more often. i remember a few years back that i noticed my dad throwing insults at me, but they're not as severe as what my mom is throwing at my dad.
mom says things to him like "you're doing a shit job," "you'll need a third job just to pay for milk," and "you never pay attention to anything!" it's painfully obvious that there's tension and it's rising every minute. he snapped back at her when she said "you're doing a shit job" by defending himself in a strong voice (one i have heard only when my brother and i were in real trouble or if he was royally pissed off). after that first attack i noticed, he hasn't been defending himself since. it makes me wonder really how much she insults him and tries to break him down, calling him things like "lazy," "pig," and "slob".
i fear that he's not defending himself only for the sole reason to save it up for that big moment when he goes off the deep-end. eventually he'll explode with all these insults, and considering the most recent dream i've had, i don't think it's going to end too well.
the dream/nightmare (whatever you want to call it) was my baby who overdosed on Anbesol turned into a cat overdosing on Anbesol. I was running around places where there were a lot of rocks and waterfalls. i figured that it had to be ithaca. the next part seems hazy, but i definitely remember teeth.
Teeth.
my friend's girlfriend told me how her family believes that if you have a dream about teeth, then someone close to you will die. she had told me the horror stories of dreams with teeth and then a few days later a friend would die. another story about the dream and her grandmother died. and then there was another story... going on and on, that's all the proof i needed to believe that it could be a possibility that dreams of teeth could be related to death. but why teeth? is it because teeth are a very intimate part of the body?
either way, it isn't looking good for my parents. i have a bad feeling that dad is spiraling into a depression or that he's going to kill himself after all these insults mom has been throwing him. mom, however, is completely oblivious that she's being mean to him.
i don't know what to do. i want to confront my dad about how mom makes him feel, but he might get the wrong idea and a divorce looms in the near future. i could talk to mom and ask her why she's being mean, but that would just make her restate her points (insults?) thus not getting anywhere close to a solution.
i need help
mom says things to him like "you're doing a shit job," "you'll need a third job just to pay for milk," and "you never pay attention to anything!" it's painfully obvious that there's tension and it's rising every minute. he snapped back at her when she said "you're doing a shit job" by defending himself in a strong voice (one i have heard only when my brother and i were in real trouble or if he was royally pissed off). after that first attack i noticed, he hasn't been defending himself since. it makes me wonder really how much she insults him and tries to break him down, calling him things like "lazy," "pig," and "slob".
i fear that he's not defending himself only for the sole reason to save it up for that big moment when he goes off the deep-end. eventually he'll explode with all these insults, and considering the most recent dream i've had, i don't think it's going to end too well.
the dream/nightmare (whatever you want to call it) was my baby who overdosed on Anbesol turned into a cat overdosing on Anbesol. I was running around places where there were a lot of rocks and waterfalls. i figured that it had to be ithaca. the next part seems hazy, but i definitely remember teeth.
Teeth.
my friend's girlfriend told me how her family believes that if you have a dream about teeth, then someone close to you will die. she had told me the horror stories of dreams with teeth and then a few days later a friend would die. another story about the dream and her grandmother died. and then there was another story... going on and on, that's all the proof i needed to believe that it could be a possibility that dreams of teeth could be related to death. but why teeth? is it because teeth are a very intimate part of the body?
either way, it isn't looking good for my parents. i have a bad feeling that dad is spiraling into a depression or that he's going to kill himself after all these insults mom has been throwing him. mom, however, is completely oblivious that she's being mean to him.
i don't know what to do. i want to confront my dad about how mom makes him feel, but he might get the wrong idea and a divorce looms in the near future. i could talk to mom and ask her why she's being mean, but that would just make her restate her points (insults?) thus not getting anywhere close to a solution.
i need help
Thursday, January 13, 2011
New Year
Well, here's to the new year. I don't have a resolution or anything of that sort, because it'll only last for about a month and then i'll forget about it. i remember one year i told myself that i would try to eat less sugar seeing as i was a sugar fiend when i was 7. the very next day i probably drank a whole 2 liter bottle of coke.
my goal for the new year is to survive through the rest of college (who knows if i'll just suddenly die someday) and to really work hard to stay in school. my clarinet professor warned me many times that i was on the brink of being kicked out of the music school. which reminds me that i can't really play clarinet. i can play the hell out of bass clarinet, but not Bb. it makes me a little weary knowing that later on in college i might have to buy an A clarinet.
i just really want to play the bass clarinet. i thought of a plan to go about playing bass clarinet for my whole life. finish the 4 years of a music ed degree and then go on to grad school for a performance degree in bass clarinet (goal school: Rotterdam Conservatory to study under Henri Bok; next best thing: Crane School of Music)
it's just a thought. i mean... how many jobs are there for bass clarinet? not many, i can assume. and either way, a professional clarinetist can most likely play the bass part just as easily as a bass clarinetist.
If all else fails, I can be a general music teacher or a high school band director. Not too bad, eh?
my goal for the new year is to survive through the rest of college (who knows if i'll just suddenly die someday) and to really work hard to stay in school. my clarinet professor warned me many times that i was on the brink of being kicked out of the music school. which reminds me that i can't really play clarinet. i can play the hell out of bass clarinet, but not Bb. it makes me a little weary knowing that later on in college i might have to buy an A clarinet.
i just really want to play the bass clarinet. i thought of a plan to go about playing bass clarinet for my whole life. finish the 4 years of a music ed degree and then go on to grad school for a performance degree in bass clarinet (goal school: Rotterdam Conservatory to study under Henri Bok; next best thing: Crane School of Music)
it's just a thought. i mean... how many jobs are there for bass clarinet? not many, i can assume. and either way, a professional clarinetist can most likely play the bass part just as easily as a bass clarinetist.
If all else fails, I can be a general music teacher or a high school band director. Not too bad, eh?
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