3 down, 3 to go

halfway done with auditions! yay! i got recommended to the dean of music at Ithaca. the audition itself wasn't the greatest on Bb, but on bass, it went very well. i nailed the cadenza and barely squeaked!

and so my next musing off the topic of music; are musicians over emotional?

i don't know. i guess they are to some degree. on the outside at least. on the inside they can feel intense emotion.

is music emotional?

yes and no. there is still that sort of musical sound of modern classical which is just so bizzare that i can't comprehend why someone would write just for the sake of writing music.

midtermssssssssssssss.

all i want is you and you're music music music

midterms started. i had english this morning and band afterwards. the english midterm was a little iffy, but i wrote a 3 page essay, which is good, i guess...

for band, we had to get dressed up and take the yearbook picture, and then we played through Slava! and Tempered Steel. both those songs are awesome and have great bass clarinet parts. a plus for us! during jazz band, mr. w told us that a bunch of seniors were boycotting a big fundraiser that we do called the Big Band Bash. this was ridiculous. i went on facebook to see if it was true, but i couldn't find anything about it. nothing at all. i guess it was his lame attempt to get us to advertise the BBB.

but anyway, i feel like all i've been talking about today was music. just how it affected my life and shit. it's a little sad that i spent the whole day thinking musically. that piece i shared yesterday was stuck in my head and i couldn't stop humming it.

maybe. perhaps. i'm insane.

"put another nickel in, in the nickelodeon, all i want is you and your music music music"

a bit of music to soothe the soul

now, i will admit, this song may seem boring to those who don't have an ear for good music, but if you listen very closely, then it's a magical piece, very exposed, but yet, so grand and powerful.

just take a listen. that's all you need. 8 minutes of your spare time and just listen...

la-la-la-language

so for my english class i had to write an essay on how the english language is influenced in modern day like how the printing press was in the renaissance. simple, right? the internet.

by use of the internet, people are speaking and writing much differently than we were 20 years ago. we now shorten our words and use acronyms for things like LOL and OMG and WTF, BTW, TBH, STFU, LMAO, TTYL, IDK MY BFF JILL. not only are we writing like this, but we're actually speaking these abbreviations. it's sad in a way, but also it's proof that english is an influx language.

enough about that though, i want to talk about how it's possible that i heard Bad Romance when i got into my car for school, when i got into my car to go home, when i got into my car to go to my lesson, and when i got into my car to go home again. i mean, sure it was epic the first time, but now it's just getting really annoying. i mean, love lady gaga, but boo to the whores at 92.3 NY. you fail. they keep playing the same songs over and over again, i'm now sick and tired of Bad Romance. and boo to nick cannon for taking over the radio station. i liked it better when it was just black, not poser black.

i decided to give my stalker a 2nd chance. if she yells at me again, then i'm not speaking to her again.

-en

tic tok

so i guess the mood struck me out of boredom. i still don't know what motivated me to drink. was i feeling depressed? did i want to know what it tasted like? i already know what beer tastes like, and damn is it bitter.

i guess my musing tonight comes from the shit music i've been hearing for the past 10 years. it was good all through the 90's and some into the 00's, but seriously, the songs i hear these days. they're such utter crap. it shows that anyone can write a song and be a big hit even without talent. look at ke$ha. her hit single tic tok is a load of crap, but people eat this shit up. sure, it's catchy, but the lyrics are about drinking and having sex with really ugly men, and ke$ha can't sing for shit. her voice is all synthetic and auto-tuned. kinda like madonna in a way, but way less classy.

anyway. it just goes to show that you can just speak a bunch of lines that sound good, add a cool backbeat to them and then get to the top 40 in less than a week. but what about the real musicians out there? the ones who actually practice playing and write their songs and have deep meanings? where are they? why aren't they on the top 40?

most of the good music these days are found in the underground music scene. it's almost that by chance a word of them spoke out and then they become a blip on the radar. then they money flows in and they become a sellout. happened with a lot of rock bands (fall out boy, who?) and i guess it's their 15 minutes of fame being milked out for 1 or 2 "good" songs that they wrote. what blows my mind is how the songs that come on the radio are actually the worst songs they have ever written. take fall out boy's dance dance for example. terrible song. they were experimenting with a new style (more modern?) and they failed. i'd much prefer that the radio picked their song, bang the doldrums instead. it's a more interesting song and it has more musical value (listen to that 3 against 2 in the drums). a much better song, but never played on the radio.

so it just seems to me like the ear of modern times is now dwindling down. people make crap music and play it as a hit (except for lady gaga, she's the only one that can actually sing). i guess our ears evolved to hear a more electronic sound so that we don't notice which is a real voice and which is a synthetic voice.

overall. music just sucks these days

2 down 4 to go + drama

sooooooooo. we got to elizabethtown college and took a theory test. it was easy ear training stuff. i went out first since i was the first to audition. it went really well. i messed up in different parts than the moravian audition. after my audition i had to take the other part of the test. i had to wait for about 30 minutes until i had to go into a room and sight sing.

holy crap. sighting is hard. but i did really well when he played a melody and i had to sing it back. :D yay! it was a long wait but i made it through to the interview which was a little intimidating, but Dr. D was really nice.

i'm confident that i made it. of course, it's my fall back school, but still. Dr. H told us during lunch that most of the people auditioning got in. it made me feel good.

so i got back and tried to rest until the concert. long story short, the concert was awesome, my friend's sister was in the audience, nodding off. to the beat. it was hilarious. i now have a newfound respect for Beethoven.

but then the drama starts.

i now have a stalker. a legit one. a one-tracked mind, crazy, psychopathic, bipolar stalker. i mean, she's all like "i can't live without you" and then she's like "i feel like i should die since you don't love me" and then she's like "oh yeah, you're a bitch".

i had it with her. seriously. i just can't deal with this shit.

fuck

traveling again

so here i am, in some cheap hotel in the middle of pennsylvania. awesome. but the on the way here, i looked up at the sky, and it was awesome. the glow of the sun behind the thin clouds, it was gorgeous.

i looked up at the sky and realized, there is more to life than all the problems here on earth. compared to the sky, we seem so insignificant. we're just little star dusts on a rock in a huge universe. it doesn't matter that someone's life is in my hands. it doesn't matter about school or grades, or what's due when. all of that is so insignificant compared to the universe as a whole.

not to say that i'm going to be lazy, but it just made me feel better looking at the sky which is massive and huge and important, and comparing it to the stresses of my life.

it feels nice

i wonder...

if i were to be seen as who i really am... who would i be? what kind of person?

a hypocrite? yeah probably. tell people to not do things that you do.

good news:

i got into Moravian school of music and got a really big scholarship

friend A was happy

bad news:

audition is saturday

was in a bad mood today

passed out last night

probably won't finish my homework tonight

friend A got really upset over friend B who started yelling at friend A

so. i just wonder, how would you be viewed if you were the person you really are? in the big argument of friends A and B, B started talking to A asking if she was okay. A was being a little depressed, so B tried to get her to talk. A didn't like that. B started yelling at her and called her names. A retaliated back, but with no avail, thus making her hate B because she likes to just pick a fight.

pick a fight? hardly. friend B was trying to explain to friend A how her life is going right now, but ended up misinterpreted as a fight and name-calling. all childish in my opinion. they're both adults (to some degree) and they fight like they're 3. i mean, it's sad that they would be fighting like this when friend A is in distress. friend B has been worried sick about A, but she holds grudges that last for a long time, so it looks like B won't be talking to A for a while.

and where do i play in? the middle of course. it's because i'm the one that has to calm A down. A's life is basically in my hands at the moment and B intervening and talking shit about A didn't make things better. am i upset at B? yes. am i upset at A? yes. why? B and A are both being immature. it makes me wonder, do people really ever grow up?

and if people don't grow up, where do they go? neverland? i can't help but think that i am the sole purpose that A is still alive and that B is miserable. i just became an omnibus to the situation, so i'm still not sure how to run things. it feels like i have complete control and if one thing slips up, then it's all over.

pressure

mind readers

i wonder how people will view me if they spent a day in my head. i mean, would they think that i'm cynical? a horrible person? a good person?

now comes the question: how do you think?

i think in many different ways depending on the situation. sometimes i think logically, sometimes i think more daringly, and other times, i'm either clueless or blinded. my thinking patterns are more of an exotic nature than most i would think. and because i have been through a lot in my life, there's no doubt that when you finally leave my mind for the day, you'll pass out.

i must be very exhausted. i keep talking about sleep. my mind sometimes doesn't think at all. it just says that it's out to lunch and i end up zoning out.

i wonder how my mind actually works when i'm playing my instrument. it must be a mega overload since i have to think about 10 things at once. tempo, dynamics, technique, oh my. it's a lot to handle. and ontop of that, you're thinking about other things too; is you're homework done? did you even have homework? how is your friend doing? is everything okay with them? are you yourself okay? i'm just exhausted. ok.

now, i know i don't express emotions or reactions very well, but i still feel them on the inside. i wouldn't judge my facial expression on how i feel. more like, i would trust what i verbally tell you i'm feeling.

i guess what i'm just saying is that my mind is overworked.

(i'm much better since the last post)

i am grounded i am humbled i am one with everything

i needed a real boost today. i'm feeling a little down to be honest, and i don't know if i can make it through this tough time. my friend is going through a depression, and i'm really worried about her. it makes me feel overwhelmed in a sense that i'm doing the best i can, and she's refusing help from anyone else.

i'm trying to make myself feel happy so that i don't have to go back in that downward spiral. i tried writing on myself, i tried my other alternatives, but nothing seems to work. maybe i'm destined for another relapse.

i hate to sound all emo, but this is how i feel right now. my friend hurting herself is hurting all her friends who want to help her. it's upsetting, how tempting the devil can be. just think of it; relieve your problems and emotions (temporarily) by just snatching the blade next to you and see that red blood drip down your arm. how nice would it be to be happy for once? just think of yourself for once and not have anyone interfere with your actions.

i'm not in the right frame of mind tonight. maybe some sleep will make it better. make the bad thoughts go away.

back from the shop!

my long-time lover and bass clarinet, André, went into the shop today. just for a few things, nothing too major like a missing key or a hardcore crack. i just needed new cork, i had a sticky key and i needed to figure out how to make my low C key actually go down all the way.

just minor things, right?

WRONG

apparently, i had a few keys really bent out of shape and i needed new felt and cork. i was like "woah!". it was mad scary listening to him banging and buzzing my instrument. but and hour and a half later, it works better than before.

what happened yesterday:

i passed out

it was bad. i was completely exhausted and i barely ate and i was walking around new york city all day. and seeing wicked again was like major emotional trip. it was really good.

happy MLK day!

And the Award for Little Miss Indie goes to....

well. i guess you could call today a very indie day. why? well, i guess i dressed the part with my flannel shirt, skinny jeans, studded belt, and converses. the only thing missing was the teenage pregnancy and the volkswagen bus.

my girlfriend, ellen, and i went out for a drive. she stopped by a park and we sat on the swings for a little while. i mean, who doesn't like to be 18 and 19 and swinging on swings? i got this crazy idea to go out to two other parks to see if they were more fun. the first one, not so much since there was an age range of 3 to 13 there and a couple of drug dealers. the second one though, we barely touched the playground.

on the way to the second playground, we passed by this odd looking thing in the road. ellen was curious so we stopped to pick it up. and by "we" i mean she stayed in the car, on the side of the road with her hazard lights on while i attempted to cross a busy highway to grab the thing and run back with it. i grabbed the hunk of metal and we went. as we inspected it, it was a water pipe cover thing. you know...those little manholes that say "water" on them? yeah, it was that. it even had some asphalt stuck to the top of it. it was damn heavy too.

so at the second playground, we took the water cover and we wanted to drop it off somewhere. ellen wanted to throw it into the creek that was nearby, but i wanted to put it in the woods somewhere. we left it on the side of a bike path. after washing my hands in the creek underneath a bridge, we explored said bike path and ended up by a farm where there were two horses. we stood by the side of the fence and just watched the two of them eat grass. they made their way to us and this huge brown one inspected our hands. i don't think they liked us too much.

so we made our way back to the park and sat on the swings again talking about random shit. we checked the car to see if our dead body was there and then we left.

it was really fun.

1 down, 5 to go

i had my moravian audition today. and despite my mom and i bickering and getting lost for about 5 minutes in bethlehem, we were early. the admission people were really nice, they had doughnut holes and coffee and everything. we talked to the woman at registration explaining that the clarinet teacher that works there was going to come to see my audition.

they put me in a room to warm up (it was about 10 minutes or so) and then they were like "okay! you all warmed up and ready to go?" and so i briefly met with the clarinet teacher before going into the huge hall.

i was slightly nervous. not as nervous as i thought i would have been. they asked me which piece i was going to perform and then i played. missed note there, a squeak here, forgot that dynamic. then onto the second piece. took that way to fast, not enough vibrato there, missed notes here, half assed ending. stand up. smile. thank you. walk off the stage.

i felt pretty good. they took me to another room to test my sight singing and piano skills. alto? soprano? alto. good. sing this. starting note A. key D minor. go. stop. listen. sing. a perfect 5th above this. a minor 3rd below this.

i failed, but no worries, this is only for placement. now play piano. twinkle twinkle, home on the range, we gather together, stop. fail. smile. thank you. walk.

it wasn't a bad audition. i was really chill for most the time. it was a thousand times better than the region auditions (where everything is so fast paced, and if you talk/laugh/cough you get points taken off your score).

i have confidence that i'll make it in. for certain.

a grim tale for the light heartened

i could barely get any sleep last night.

why might you ask? well, lets just say that a friend of mine decided to do something drastic to herself. if you guessed self-injury, then you're right. now i know why people want to hurt themselves, i've been there before; hurting so much on the inside that you want to just feel something at least human. i've seen many people go through this dark stage and trust me, it's scary as hell.

not many people know what it's like to cut/burn/hurt yourself. it's a matter of their mental state of being that could push them over the edge to self destruction. you get so lost in your own world, that nothing makes sense anymore. you start to break down, crying sometimes, because you don't know what to feel; anger? sadness? what is happiness anyway?

then you start to feel like you don't mean anything to anyone anymore. why am i here? what good do i do for other people? i'm not noted enough for my effort, why won't anyone recognize me? why does everyone hate me?

so now you're doubting your existence. would people care if i died? how would my friends react? am i doing the right thing?

you chicken out on doing the actual suicide, but now you're still suck with this feeling of worthlessness and doubt. am i really human? or am i some sort of creature? so you take that knife and you feel more human. the feeling... does it feel good? does it hurt? it depends. some like the pain so much that it had become an addiction.

i should stop before i get more into detail. but you get my point. it's a grim tale, but true. i see it all the time. it sucks.

music is my hot hot sex

ever have one of those feelings when you just get so emotional when you hear a piece of music?

so we had our school's winter band concert. it went really well, other than me running around all over the place. i played a whopping 9 songs altogether. i had to perform in the 2nd and 3rd groups. in the 2nd group (symphonic winds) i played Bb clarinet and in the 3rd group (wind ensemble) i played the bass clarinet.

while i was playing, i felt emotion. real, true emotion. it was like, all my troubles went away and i got so involved with the piece that nothing else mattered. the wind ensemble went onstage and we started playing Shenandoah, which was written for a kid who was in band and committed suicide. his favorite piece was this song, Shenandoah. when the wind ensemble played it, i nearly started crying because it made me think if anyone would write a piece for band for my ex-girlfriend who took her own life.

when music reaches out to people like that, that is real music. it is supposed to be emotional, it's supposed to tell a story, supposed to have a purpose. most music is dedicated to people in their memory, or they're commissioned by a band or orchestra. our school had (i think) 3 pieces dedicated to us, all were inspired by different things, but i couldn't feel the emotional human element in those pieces.

basically. the concert tonight was very emotional. i felt happy when we played a piece that was upbeat and fast. i felt emotional when we played a slow, sad piece. it felt really good to be able to feel emotions while playing.

Hmmm...

i guess i'm supposed to say hi. and who i am and such.

i'm Emily. that's all you need to know. but at this point, it doesn't matter who i am. i'm sure you'll find out eventually.

this blog is for my thoughts of random things. i may talk about controversial issues, or what i did that day, or maybe i'll talk about myself.

so here i am. Emily